Proditione

So quick to react, so eager to spoil.
I pushed you deeper into the hole of misery that caught you,
shoved you farther into the earth where no light would find you,
thought less and less of your flailing arms and gasping breath,
forgetting in my blind haze of bitterness what I was made of,
forgetting of my humanity, of what chance I still had left to love,
forgetting that you were on your knees, begging for help,
your face was raised to the moon in desperation,
your eyes filled with forgone exasperation,
and here I was, anxious to throw you down before me,
to bury you in all of the timeless agony you have caused me,
to show you where cruelty etches its mark best.

Alas, I am a self-educated fool and nothing more,
spouting venom at mine own,
lashing the chain of maliciousness backwards and forwards,
discarding what conscience I have left in return for vengeance,
bittersweet albeit momentary vengeance,
all to the failed intent of filling a void that has become too great,
too vacuous in its own right,
too merciless to conceal.

I am disgusted with myself,
repulsed beyond remorse,
disillusioned with my hypocrisy,
angry at this life I could never tame,
angry with everyone else for failing me,
and it is in these moments when the weight is greatest,
for I have held onto this for too long,
and now I am angry with myself.

R.

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